I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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