That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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