we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Congratulations! We have a period
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