you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
