You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
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