i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
