She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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