god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
