Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
accomplished twins. life is a go
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
