Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
