elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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