If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
So. Camera broke because I tried to wash it under the sink, kristi had to take me home and I woke up to my computer showing me that I googled how t take more than one shot at a time. I'd say the night was a success.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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