After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
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