it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
