I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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