At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Randomize
