walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
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