Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
