Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
