No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
You did what with his pubic hair?
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