Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
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