Your mouth is God's brothel.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Randomize
