on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
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