i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
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