I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
