I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
People in love make me want to vomit
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
is this the sara with the beer cane?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
