I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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