we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
