Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
