at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Randomize
