Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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