why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
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I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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