I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Randomize