I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
