I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
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