she looked like the bat from fern gully.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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