Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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