can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
