Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
