three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Randomize
