She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
