So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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