She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Randomize
