the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I stole a fireplace last night.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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