Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
