Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
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