Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
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