I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
I'm always down for nudity.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
