You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize