i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Randomize
