I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I think I just sharted jello shots
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