I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
