I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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