I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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