This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
