Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Randomize
