"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
