I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize